July 23rd, 2020
Either God or The Cats sent me a message last nigt,,,, Somrething grand happened, I slept okay.
I had a good dream- it was other-workdy-yet-realistic like all my other dreams- but all my 'other dreams' are always nightmares! Look st this!! I woke up, took a fucking shower- made my brerafast, I'm gonna do better, I'm gonna treat myself better and stop being a pussy. I know i always say this- then II relapse, well its been awhile since I took my meds so maybe if i do it now with huge aspiration in my heart- ill be better on my meds, twice as better- then there would be no dissociating.
Im not gonna work on being obsessed with Aidan though- its not a problem.
It's almost 3 already, oh my...
Godd.. Been feeling spiky all day, I've been feeling like a little doll. A doll that needs to be plsyed with, a naughty cum slut ready to be used like the toy that I am. I cant help this feeling, i guess its who ill always be- its not like i ever got to be a virgin, ive always been played with. Im easy to manipulate, easy to scare into submission- im not a fighter at all. I say id beat up Aidan but that wont ever happen, I cant even be mad at Char for making messies or when begging.
Its not like i doont look like a toy. Look at me, i cant make facial expression- i cant see which makes me needing to depend on others, my skin is soft and pale, delicate and small. Im not fat, my weight goes to my boobs and thighs, making me a perfect toy for anyone..... my pussy gets wet easily, it is very tight even when i get fucked. I'm stuck at 4'11 and my voice is high and childish. My eyes shine, my lips cant toch and theyre bigger than average.
Do you know what that one guy said during my first ever consentual encounter?? He was supised that this was my first time, legitmately surpirsided... it was my fucking first time, i lied to him- but im not gonna go tell some stranger my personal problems yaknow. It was kinda embarassing..... i know others have it worst, i shouldnt complain. I feel like shit talking about stuff, like theres always that thing in my head where i feel like they think im being selfish- people are born into sexual slavery and have to get out- but ohh noo boohoo, you were a dumb fuck as a child- waah, thats your fault. Thats my faukt, like fuck it man.... And some people dont even have a mom or dad, but heres me!! being a stupid fuck!! : ))) like honestly who cares, i bet people think im being pathetic and laugh at me whenever i vent. I cant help but vent a lot because im fucking selfish.
Im just a stupid fuck-toy, even Aidan likes me like that but not as anything else because thats me!! just a toy!!!! : ) and i outta feel gratefl, like theres people who struggle with being laid yet im over here compl;aing that peole like me.... idfk.
i hate it. i feel like a whore posting stuff online but idk., its not like i masturbate. i just... need to feel loved in a way, like yeah making posts and talking in DMs, people often dont even care.
But people care if you post stuff like that, people wanna keep you safe and be with you forever.
If i was a guym id be able to contriol others- id be strong and woukdnt get hurt nor have to depend on everyonr else. I could easily get famous and have people like me, adore nme, and all that... I wanna steal Aidans body and take over his life. I wonder what its like to see, or to drive or just stuff i like- or smile?? or like, do the weird chin thing aidan does- what does THAT feel like?? whats it like to have that power?? thatd be so cool. I bet it feels great. you could do whayever you want as a guy. I wish i just, looked like him. so i could confront him and be like "eyyy!!!". I could mess with him. idk...