April 23rd, 2021
I am doing better. I am trying. Last night I felt myself losing but I have not lost. I've noticed my daydreaming habits have kciked into higher gear, promising me a wonderful world where I have friends. It is all a fucking lie, it's disgusting. No. I won't allow myself to fall victim to it anymore- I won't beat myself up whenever I do- but I also won't be tricked into submission either, given false fear that Aidan is an "important figure" and that I'm "nothing without him". Complete bullark. I am my own person. Aidan is irrelevant. I will slip up and that's okay, what matters is I'm improving. Even when it comes to materialism, I see myself letting go- I can feel myself letting go. Beforehand, I didn't even think it was a problem. I am starting to be self-reliant more and realize my worth. I ain't worth much, in all honesty- I ain't worth anything at all, but neither do anyone else in terms of perspective. My bad thoughts tell me nothing but LIES. They make me try to believe that my family has importance, that I have importance for all the wrong reasons, that I'm nothing but a toy and a slave. That's not true, that'll never be true- entertaining that idea is only wasting time.
I am TWENTY years old. TWO. ZERO. It's about time I handle my own strings and be who I wanna be. The years gone fast. The days, the months. Revenge is pointless. Only brings me down, I'll still hold onto my grudges but that's only because I have morals I uphold- and I still believe certain things. However, I won't let it affect me. When things do eventually affect me (as that's natural), I'll let the feelings pass. "You exist, you are there, good? Good. Now time to move onto something else. "